How To Give Thanks When You Aren’t Sure How

My understanding of Thanksgiving has always been to try and take a step backwards and find the things for which I am grateful: Family, friends, food and safety. It’s a moment where you are supposed to be filled with gratitude.

Of course, if depression is clouding up your life, that can be a difficult experience – to put it mildly.

One of the worst things about depression is that it not only makes you feel sad, but it staves your sense of joy. When you are depressed, you cannot enjoy things. You cannot find the things to be grateful for – your mind is just clouded with sadness and pain. That, of course, is awful on every level.

According to an article from Psychology Today, gratitude can make you feel better:

Scientists say that these techniques shift our thinking from negative outcomes to positive ones, elicit a surge of feel good hormones like dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin, and build enduring personal connections.

Another article, this one from Harvard, notes that there is actual science behind this concept, and that multiple experiments have shown that individuals who actually took the time to decide, discuss or write down things that they were grateful for actually felt better and more optimistic about their lives after doing so.

All of this being said – I’ve been there. I get it. When you are in a hole so deep that you cannot see any light, writing down things for which you are grateful can be a challenge…to put it mildly.

If that’s where you are right now, it’s okay. Don’t feel bad, don’t feel guilty and don’t beat yourself up. That’s a pain which millions of others can share with you.

Instead, my advice to you is this: Try to take a step backwards.

If you are reading this, you’re in better shape than large swaths of humanity. You’re able to read and access the internet. Hopefully, you’re at home now, safe and secure, able to access the basic necessities of life. I hope you are warm and comfortable. You’re able to eat and drink whenever you want. I mean, according to the World Health Organization, 785 million people don’t even have access to basic drinking water service. If you are reading this, that almost certainly isn’t you.

Folks, one of the hardest things to remember – particularly if you are one of the 1 in 5 Americans who has a mental illness – is just how lucky you truly are. Start at the basics, and I mean the basics. The food in your stomach. The clothing on your back. And try to remember that there are billions who aren’t as lucky as all of us are.

Whatever our struggles, whatever your pain, I guarantee you are more fortunate than hundreds of millions. Start from there. Use that as the building block and move upwards. Concentrate on the gratitude and joy you’ve gotten from the smallest moments: The quick laugh with a coworker who likes you. The likes on your Facebook status. You can find joy in even the smallest of moments, and sometimes, that’s enough.

To be clear: I’m not an idiot and I’m not pollyanic. A Facebook like or a shared smile with a stranger will not cure your depression. It will not make you whole. But it may take away your pain, if only for a moment. It may help you regain a sense of control over your own mind, something that is absolutely critical when we are battling our own demons. To that end, try to balance your pain-filled moments with the good ones. Write down what you are grateful for. You may be surprised with how it makes you feel.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I hope you are able to celebrate and enjoy it!

 

The futility of gratitude – and why it’s so important

I had an interesting realization in therapy the other day, and it led to this blog entry. Stay with me for a second.

My therapist and I were talking about trying to change my mindset from both a depression and anxiety perspective. I think a great deal of anxiety comes from a fear of “not being able to handle” any given situation – be that going to school, work, travel, whatever. I’m not quite sure what “not being able to handle” means, save for turning into a blubbering ball of sad and fear, but whatever. Now, by and large, that’s a silly fear. There’s no such thing – not really – as “not being able to handle” something. Sure, there are some life events and experiences that go better than others, but short of dying, you get through life.

This sort of fear in stressful situations can manifest itself in many ways. One of them is that it causes a shift in mindset. You no longer engage in new experiences to enjoy them or learn from them – instead, you do so in order to say “I survived” them. This mindset can be damning for so many reasons. You start an experience not looking to enjoy it, but to get through it. This kind of bunker-mentality can absolutely destroy your ability to get any joy. To try new things. To adventure or gain new experience. Indeed, it makes you afraid, and it makes you far less willing to be adventurous. You live in a constant state of looking over your shoulder, wondering when the anxiety attack will hit. Wondering when you will get cripplingly sad. Wondering what goes wrong next.

This way of thinking, of living – survival versus gratitude – can be absolutely crippling. And it leads me to the point of today’s entry: I don’t want to just survive. I want to thrive. I want to learn and to live. Don’t you?

How do you do that? Hahaha, yeah come on, you know I don’t have an answer. I only have a piece of one. That’s this: Try to change the way you approach new situations. Approach them from a perspective of gratitude and gaining new experience. Instead of entering an anxiety-provoking situation from the perspective of, “Oh, God, how am I gonna get through this?” ask yourself, “Okay, what can I learn from this?” or better yet, “How can I be grateful for this experience?”

Now, I titled this entry, “The futility of gratitude” because I am not an idiot. When you are depressed or anxious and someone tells you to “Be grateful,” you probably want to punch that person in the face. Grateful? For the crippling fear and sadness? That’s madness.

But, that’s exactly why it’s so important.

The only way to break anxiety and depression is to change the way you think. The way you process thoughts and emotions. And the only way to do that is to shift your mindset. So, just try this. Try, every now and then, asking yourself this question: “How am I learning from this new and difficult situation?” or “What can whatever I am experiencing right now teach me so I don’t encounter these problems in the future?” Fear is only crippling is it denies you the chance to grow, to learn. And there’s no such thing as an experience you can’t handle.

So, try to ask yourself that. Try to ask yourself what you can be grateful for. What you can learn. Shift your mind, and maybe you can shift your emotions too.