So, it’s been about six weeks since I started Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation. As I type this, I’ve had about 26 sessions, with another ten or so to go.
How am I feeling? Is it working? Better. And yes. It is working. And I feel reasonably convinced at this point that it’s not just the placebo effect.
Let me discuss the second part of that question first, because I think it’s almost the most important. Why do I think it’s not a placebo effect? Because life is NOT perfect. I think – I don’t know, but I think – that if this was a mere placebo effect, I’d be sitting here, flying through the sky. Life would feel perfect. There would be birds and sunshine and candy everywhere and all that crap. Then, eventually, the effect would wear away, and I’d crash hard.
Simply put, that isn’t true. Everything doesn’t feel perfect. I’ve still gotten depressed about things, upset. Most of the time, it’s been normal life events. On a couple of days I’ve still woken up really down, but that feeling fades easier than it did before treatment. Simply put, things aren’t magical.
So then, let me tackle the question in the title: Is this what feeling better feels like? Maybe? I can’t answer that question definitively yet, because I don’t know . Look, I’ve been on anti-depressants and in treatment, as needed, since I was 18. I’m 35. Half my life. So I’m not quite sure what “normal” is.
Here’s what I do know. Since I started TMS and began to feel it’s positive impacts:
- I’ve been enjoying things more. A lot more. A couple of examples:
- As I’ve long since established I am a big computer game nerd. I play these games more, and I just like them more. I’ve had more fun playing them.
- I was with my wife and my kids at a local food fair. I’m sitting there, eating this big ole Taco Salad. My son is leaning on me, eating Mac & Cheese. He’s snuggling in. I’ve got my little boy, good food, happy environment, great music. I felt good. I felt lucky. My phone was firmly in my pocket. I felt like I was in the moment. That didn’t happen before.
- I wake up in the morning without this impending sense of dread. Without feeling like there’s a ceiling over my head, pressing down. It just feels like the world has less pressure. I still feel stressed, still feel overwhelmed. But the world doesn’t feel like it is filled with nearly as much darkness.
- I’ve been less snappy. Less grouchy.
- I’ve had an easier time concentrating and getting things done. My motivation is higher.
- You know that myth about the depressed writer? Bull. Depression does help give you insight and experience for writing, but if it’s too severe, you ain’t writing. And I’ve had a much, much easier time writing lately.
Arguably the most important observation since this started has been from my wife. She was skeptical when TMS first started. She told me last week that she didn’t think it would work, and part of her almost wishes she didn’t know I was doing it so she wouldn’t risk being fooled by a placebo effect as well.
Why? Because she noticed the difference too. She told me the other day, unprompted, that she sees it’s working. She sees that I am happier. And my wife is smarter than me! So if she is noticing this, it makes me more convinced that this thing really is working.
Are things perfect? Hell no. They never will be.
But they are unquestionably better.
DISCLAIMER: First, again, I’m not a doctor or medical professional – I’m a damn politician and writer. I’m certainly doing my best to write an accurate description, but if you have any questions or concerns, please contact a medical professional. Second, this probably goes without saying, but I’m going through this treatment like any other normal person and paying with my insurance. I am not receiving any compensation or consideration whatsoever for sharing my experiences. However – and again, this is just me writing – I’ve had my TMS from the TMS Center of the Lehigh Valley. I am grateful for their skills, professionalism and willingness to work with my rather insane schedule. I highly, highly recommend them if you are local to the area.