How to help our kids with back to school / COVID anxiety

My kids are ten and eight, and like just about all kids of that age, they are back to school. This is… nerve-wracking. Okay, as a parent, despite my best efforts, it is ALWAYS nerve-wracking. I’m not the only one I am sure, but every time I drop my kids off at school, it kinda feels like my heart skips a nip. Part of the time, I guess. The fact that they go to a Jewish Day School probably doesn’t help the anxiety, all things considered. But, in the years they have gone there, it has been a wonderful place, and they love it.

Anyway, this year is obviously slightly different than most – even different than last year, when we thought things would be more normal now. Alas, they aren’t, and this begs the question: What can we do for our kids? Now that they are back in school, or will be shortly, how can we help them cope with the added anxiety that this year will bring?

I’ve had a few thoughts in my head and also done some research. Here’s what I can glean.

First, my own experience: Be honest with them. Obviously, that honesty has to be tempered by how old and mature that kid is. But my kids have found comfort in the reality of the situation. I’ve been honest: I can’t guarantee they won’t get COVID or that someone they love won’t get it. But, everyone who loves them has been vaccinated, and this virtually guarantees that we’d survive getting sick. Furthermore, even if they get sick, the vast majority of kids who get sick are okay. That is not to minimize the risks, but it does help put things in perspective. That seems to help.

Second, make sure not to take away a kids’ sense of agency or control. That has to be tempered with realism, and unfortunately, as we all know, even the most careful of people can get COVID. That being said, there are lots of things they can do: Wear masks, keep their distance, wash their hands, all that. Anxiety is largely a result of learned helplessness and making sure kids know that they can influence their own safety can help them feel better.

Third, use this as a teachable moment. The Child Mind Institute article that I highlighted notes that anxiety isn’t going to be “resolved,” per se – it’s about making sure our kids know that there is uncertainty in this world. Broaden the scope of this conversation. There are things you and your kids can do to minimize your risks and prevent getting sick, but beyond that…you live as best you can. This helps to make sure your kids know they are doing everything possible, but from there, they have to tolerate the uncertainty that comes with life.

Fourth, make sure to be a good role model. Tell your kids when you are anxious – but also tell them how you are coping. This is just our style of parenting, but my wife and I have found that honesty works with our kids. We never really try to hide our struggles or our mistakes – instead, we show how we are trying to make them better.

Last, remember, listening helps. As a parent, you’d give anything to keep your kids safe, but the truth is that you can’t 100% guarantee their safety, regardless of whether or not there is a pandemic going on. Alas, we can’t make that guarantee, and kids know it. As such, sometimes, all you can do is listen. We can’t make guarantees, but things like reminding kids that they have control over quite a bit of their lives and that we are there to help – that matters. As such, listen to their fears. Validate them. And, if your kids want, try to work on solutions together.

These are just a few of the tips out there, and there are plenty of more. Have anything to add? Let us know in the comments!

Our Role as Parents

As I type this…damnit to hell, I was about to write something sweet about my kids, but I swear to God, my son just screamed “OW!” at the top of his lungs. I’m not sure what happened, but he’s…oh, for God’s sake, he’s upside-down now, playing on the couch. Kids are weird.

Well, at least I got cute pictures:

Kids are weird. Yup. Also, here’s my daughter, because as any parent of multiples knows, if you include one kids, you HAVE TO INCLUDE THE OTHER LEST YOU EXPOSE YOURSELF TO ACCUSATIONS OF FAVORITISM. And yes, she was in motion. She’s always in freakin motion.

Anyway, the kiddos have been on my mind lately. No reason – they’re wonderful, and Brenna and I are very blessed. They spent about two months doing virtual school but have been able to get back to face to face. We’ve sent them to a Jewish Day School in the area for years but pulled them virtual when we were uncomfortable with the COVID numbers.

Our experience has been blessed. Our kids are physically and emotionally healthy. That is very unlike students profiled in this Morning Call article, who have suffered mightily during the pandemic. And that is nothing compared to the issues faced by students in Las Vegas. Nevada has long been a suicide hotspot, having the 11th highest suicide ratings – and that was before the pandemic. Now? Suicides are so bad that schools are reopening as part of an effort to clamp down on a rash of suicides.

These numbers are brutal. My wife and I are lucky, and while I like to think that we’re good parents, I’m not dumb enough to think that our kids’ health doesn’t have a heaping dose of luck in it. But…I don’t want to understate the role that parents play in terms of their kids’ mental health.

Sometimes, it’s the little things, but they can be so, so meaningful for kids with certain challenges or issues. For example, take transgender kids. According to studies, suicide rates amongst transgender adults are absurdly high: One study shows that more than half of all transgender people attempt suicide. But there’s good news: Parents who are accepting and supportive of their kids can help reduce these suicide and depression risks. This involves promising unconditional love, support, and using chosen names and pronouns.

Of course, there are a million little ways that this is the case, and your kid doesn’t have to be transgender. According to a 2017 study on suicide and parental involvement, parental involvement and support can have a “significant” influence on reducing suicide. The connection is not a question – it makes perfect sense. Kids grave the love and support of their parents, and that support can help keep them alive.

Because of my own history, I regularly worry about my kids’ mental health. I regularly think about that nightmare scenario. The only way I comfort myself at those moments is by reminding myself there are some things I can do. Loving my kids – unconditionally – and supporting them – that’s about it. That’s all any of us can ask for, and that’s all any of us can do.

Keep that in mind in your worst moments as a parent. You matter deeply to them, even when you think you don’t.

How to explain mental illness to your kids

Like the vast majority of parents, my children are the light of my lives. My son, Auron, is six; my daughter, Ayla is four, turning five in November. I won’t sit here and wax on and on about how much I love them – I don’t have that kind of time, and you probably don’t have that level of interest. But, for the sake of this blog entry, please understand that they are one of my main reasons for living, my biggest source of joy and a constant fountain of entertainment, surprise and hilariousness.

So, I suspect many parents can sympathize: Having children when you have depression can add innumerable guilt and sadness to an already debilitating disorder.

When I think about depression in relation to my kids, I think of it from two angles. First is how it will likely one day affect them. There is no question that mental illness has a strong genetic component. Also, as much as it pains me to admit it and as hard as I try to make it otherwise, I suspect that both of my kids will learn some of my behavior and internalize it. Even more unfortunate is that a major source of childhood trauma is having a parent with a mental health disorder, and an expanding body of research has shown that these Adverse Childhood Experiences, or ACEs, can have significant and detrimental effects on the life of a child.

One of the symptoms of depression is guilt, and lemme tell you, this entry is not helping.

Second is how my disorder affects their lives. As much as I hate to admit it, depression and anxiety have affected my parenting skills. There’s no doubt that there have been times where it has affected my mood, made me snappier or less willing to do things. Kids can tell when you are worried or down. They are like little sponges. They just know when things are off, and they are far, far more intuitive than most people realize.

So, all of this leads me to the critical question of today’s blog entry: How do you talk to your kids about depression?

Obviously, the answer to this question depends on the age of your child. The first time it ever came up for me was when my son was about four and happened to walk into the bathroom when I was taking my medication:

“Dad, what are you doing?”

“Taking my pills, buddy.”

“Oh.” Pause. “Are you sick?”

Me, internally: Crap.

Followed by: “Well, Auron, you know how people sometimes get really sad? Or really scared?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, Daddy sometimes gets really scared or sad for no reason. These pills help make sure I don’t get too scared or too sad, and they make it easier for me to have a good day.”

“Oh. I’m gonna go watch Bubble Guppies.”

At that age, I think that was a pretty good way to describe it: Simply, and by relating it to something they already understood. As my kids have gotten older, I’ve expanded that conversation to talking about it to a stigma perspective. Whenever we are trying to illustrate something that we think is silly (All boys are better than girls at sports by default, for example), we scream “THAT’S NONSENSE!” I’ve used that frame to describe how some people don’t think it’s okay to get sad, or get scared, and to try to tell the kids that anyone who is sad or scared should see a Doctor, just like if they had a broken arm. Do they understand it? I think so. I hope so, anyway!

As they get older, it is my hope that the way I have dealt with my mental illness – openly and honestly – will help them recognize the symptoms of it within themselves. I never want my kids to think that whatever circumstances they may be born with are completely out of their control – I want them to know that they do have the ability to deal with whatever challenges they may face.

I cannot control the mental illness that I have anymore than I can control the weather. But, just like dealing with a rainy day, I can bring an umbrella. I can take care of myself by ensuring that I see my therapist when necessary, that I take my daily medication, that I recognize my mistakes and try to learn from them, and by practicing good coping skills. In that way, I hope I can teach my kids a very critical lesson: You cannot always control the hand that you are dealt, but you can control how to react to it.

As always, I welcome your comments. How have you dealt with your own mental illness when it comes to your kids? What have you said – and what have you left unsaid? Let us know below!